Right in the Kisser

I want to talk about facial hair.
I have no problem with the way facial hair looks, but kissing a guy with a beard or stubble is a personal nightmare for me.
Now, I know that I don't have a regulation-sized mouth.
It's freakishly small. Like a child mouth. Which some guys are into - but I don't want to be into those guys.
Kissing is already a challenge for me. In most cases, kissing a guy feels like making out with a St Bernard.
It's not the guy's fault. They have a very small portal to hit and they often miss. I can't tell you how often I've just stood there while some handsome lad slurped up half of my face, swallowing my chin and nose simultaneously. I have to just wait patiently before I can extract the bulk of my head from the inner recesses of their maw and wipe the saliva from my neck and nasal cavity.
And then with a sigh, go in for round 6.

It is said, (by me), that there are no BAD kissers, just people you are compatible with and people you aren't.

In my case, it's very hard to find a compatible kisser.
Because of my dwarf-mouth, I often try to over-compensate by being aggressive and opening wider than is humanly comfortable. This has backfired repeatedly. I think I might be guilty of face-rape charges in multiple cases.
If not for my rockin personality and my sweet, sweet rack, I doubt many men would ever try to have sex with me after enduring a make-out session with my tiny head.

But, occasionally, I do find another diminu-mouthed soul who is willing to kiss my mug. And this is where facial hair comes into play. I really wish all men would have to kiss another man with facial hair just so they would know how it feels. If you are a man and not feeling homosexually adventurous, just go out and buy one of those 1950's hairbrushes. Take it home and then slap yourself in the mouth with it. That's what a peck feels like. Then, take the entire brush and grind the bristles against your face repeatedly for an hour or so. Then, fucking shave.

If you are just a guy with 5 o'clock shadow, do the same steps, but with a 6" swatch of coarse sandpaper.
Then, fucking shave.

I am not speaking for all women. I have girlfriends who don't mind it at all.
They clearly do not have my skin.
At 35 years old, everything in the world still makes me breakout.
My sensitive skin has given me an awesome 20 straight years of puberty.
As much as I appreciate the lengthy exfoliation session, the day after making out with a face carpet, it looks like I've been in an arctic, windy climate for several months. Everything from the nose down is red and chapped, swollen and sore, cut in places, bleeding lightly in others. I've gone through a face war and I was not the victor.

I'm saying this here because these are not the things I usually get to say to the boy leaning in for our first kiss.
I'm usually hoping against hope that his desire to eventually see me naked overcomes all the awkward smurf-kissing.
It doesn't seem like the time to complain about what he's bringing to the party.

So, if you're a chick out there who resents ladies like me with an awesome hourglass, take heart that after sampling my wares, most guys would much rather kiss you than me.
And if you're a guy, please, for the love of God, FUCKING SHAVE.